JESUS CHRIST'S INTERNET DIGEST: NO. 7 IN A SERIES
"Your own personal Jesus, someone to hear your prayers, someone who cares… your own personal Jesus." So sang brittle-boned smack hoover Dave Gahan on the famous Depeche Mode track, but you lucky Weaponizer readers don’t need the kind of opium-addled emo-Jesus that he’s talking about. No indeed, because you have YOUR own personal Jesus already, in the form of Jesus ‘Ho-bagger’ Christ, our friendly internet columnist and IT Mr Fix-It to the stars, who seems to be in a somewhat profane mood today... Take it away JC!
Hi sinners. First, some breaking news. R2D2 is going to fuck you up. Now, on with the show.
This week I’ve got a lot of stuff to get through, so let’s not rest on the seventh day like good old Dad, let’s just get right to it. First up, I’m sporting the world’s first broadband t-shirt today, and yes it is tight and shiny, displaying the supple curves of my heavenly body. That’s right, I can email you with my nipples. How d’you like that, bitches? Like it? Try some of this – a Bluetooth tattoo. That’s right – a tattoo that powers your iPod. How future is that?
The news that British teens are tooled up to fuck will come as no surprise to anyone who’s been mugged by a troupe of the wee bastards in some dank Edinburgh close. And that’s nothing compared to the feral neds of Glasgow, who now outnumber the Bloods and Crips. Scary stuff.
It’s tough being a kid, and it gets tougher every year – so I’m going to go out on a limb and call for an armistice of a kind. I suggest that rather than letting these teens carry weapons around untrained, we devise some sort of reality show where they train in different disciplines (claw hammer bash attack, Stanley knife duelling, and the traditional ‘square go’) and then fight each other to the death, with the winner being awarded a lifetime of JJB Sports vouchers. Who’s game? We could call it Who Wants A Fucking Asbo Then, Cunts?, and get Simon Cowell to present.
Space news now – it seems that the British government is considering putting Brits in space. This is all well and good – it’s about time Dan Dare became a reality, with us Brits colonising Venus and subjugating the green-skinned native brutes that live there. And the good news is, there could be many more planet-sized rocks and exoplanets than we thought – the Kuiper belt could yet yield a replacement for the much-missed pseudo-planet Pluto. It’s probably about time we got the fuck off this planet anyway – apparently our confinement on Earth has lead to mental atrophy among the British, who recently voted Oasis’ first two LPs the best ever made by anyone. Proof that humanity is completely fucked, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Speaking of humanity being fucked, it seems we have got about 21 years left before the machines take over. So make sure you download those Oasis albums as soon as you can, you don’t want to miss out.
I’m sure I’ve told you this already, but repetition does tend to hammer the message home. FACEBOOK IS RUN BY NAZIS! ‘Nuff said.
If you’re planning on attending round two of the anti-$cientology protests worldwide on 15th March, you might want one of these babies - a knitted gas mask. Or maybe even one of these, if you want to make it a religious fight – scroll down for my personal favourite, the 9mm Crucifix Gun. Salvation is nigh! More pointless weaponry – how about a wooden mech suit? Or a keyboard that flashes like some kind of Daft Punk robot thing?
Yeah, thought you’d like that. And if you did, you’re gonna love this – that’s right, what every techno geek craves… hot naked chicks. Oh, and babies fighting snakes.
Don’t say Jesus ain’t good to ya. Till next time, say your prayers fucktubes.